“Changes in personality and mood after stroke are common. Impulsiveness, apathy, pseudobulbar affect, anger, frustration and depression can affect a stroke survivor’s quality of life” – American Stroke Association

“What we see depends mainly on what we look for.” – John Lubbock

“Those who have no hope pass their old age shrouded with an inward gloom.” – Wilfred Owen

I found David’s obituary yesterday. It surprised me, but then it didn’t. David had always been a good person, rough around the edges but with a heart of gold no matter who you were, or where you were from.

It surprised me because I hadn’t talked with him in a few years and he was not much older than I am. I stopped talking with him because he had changed. Where there had been good will before, it had been replaced with distrust. When he would message me, it was no longer a friendly greeting to inquire how I was doing, it was instead to share some vitriol about different groups, or individuals.

It didn’t surprise me though when I read that he had been suffering repeated small strokes. A light went on and I finally understood what had happened to my friend. He never mentioned the strokes, I’m not sure if he even realized their impact on his mind. Strokes can completely change our personalities. I wonder at times, if this is what’s responsible for the stereotypes of angry, rude, and distrusting, elderly people.

My one-time mother-in-law followed this same pattern. She was the sweetest woman you ever met, but slowly she became focused on conspiracy theories that just a few years before made her laugh. She began to see enemies everywhere. She repeated the most horrible gossip and rumors about people she’d never met. She left off the niceties, which if you know any American Southerners, is truly out of character. She lost her own abundance somewhere. She wasn’t grateful for her family, just her church. She could not find any of the good things she used to be able to find in her life. She was angry. She was scared. She was quite suddenly, arrogant.

My uncle went this way too. By the time he passed, he was trapped in a world of hidden enemies, terrible plots, revenge fantasies, and paranoia. My father was angry my entire life. He also suffered strokes. They did not change his personality for the better. Eventually my mother had to have in put in a home due to his violent outbursts.

What of dementia? Alzheimer’s? The people I know that were lost to Alzheimer’s did not show the anger, or the love of conspiracies and gossip. They were scared, at least until the disease advanced so far that they lost themselves. My aunt was found one evening, by her daughter, making soup at the kitchen sink. The soup contained every pill my aunt had in the house. She was never left alone again. She lived for another 5 years, or so, in an assisted living facility, for people with Alzheimer’s and dementia. While she was there, she danced and sang every day. She didn’t care about worldly things except music. When her children visited, she didn’t recognize them, but she treated them as honored guests. She passed peacefully.

When we stop being able to see our abundance, life is diminished. I’m not sure why a stroke would be marked with such negativity. In my experience, as anecdotal as it is, there seems to be a pattern there. I am going to keep it in mind the next time someone I know seems to be losing their joy while choosing to suddenly dive into the depths of anger and fear. It may not be that they’re watching too much of a certain TV channel, or listening to bad actors. They may be doing those things because they are having undiagnosed medical emergencies. The hatred and virulence that they’re speaking might be the symptom of a life-threatening condition. Maybe we shouldn’t laugh and write them off before we get them to a doctor.