It’s best to have a self-care toolkit with the capacity and variety found in Mary Poppins’ floral carpet bag.

We can never have too many options available when coping. We might return to the same strategy for years until one day it ceases to work. Or the universe might step in and what used to be possible becomes impossible. So you want to take a peek inside the magic carpet bag of cures, contradictions, and contingency plans? Peeking is allowed but if you look inside you wouldn’t see the same things I see. You would see what works for you, not what works for me. But it’s always good to hear other ideas and see the world from a different porch.

Ever since 1988 I have been wandering. 5 years here, 5 years there, that type of thing. But what I wanted most of all was to feel safe and grounded. I thought what I wanted was a house of my own. I kept chasing what couldn’t be caught. When we look to our external environment for fixes to our internal environment, we’re bound to be disappointed. And I was disappointed repeatedly.

But home is where the heart is. Home is us. Home is our heart. It isn’t the emotions we apply to a place, a group of people, or a pile of stuff. We are the ones that make a place our home. Otherwise, when we move to a new place there would be no way for us to make it into a home where we feel safe. Feeling safe comes from us believing that we are capable. Facing challenges instead of running from them results in us feeling increasingly capable. It doesn’t matter so much whether we win, lose, or draw. It matters that we stood up to the fear. When we trust ourselves we feel safe and wherever we are can feel like home.

The first look at a problem is not the best look at a problem. Whether it’s trying a new recipe, solving mathematical word problems, writing a piece of code, or quitting cigarettes, we do best when we break our problems down into smaller pieces. The same applies to negative feelings. We need to look at the whole picture and break it down into chewable bits before we can make improvements. Not all negative feelings are inappropriate after all. When my mom passed away I had a lot of negative feelings. This would make sense. If the negative feelings make sense then coping with them isn’t about making them go away. Coping, in a situation where negative feelings make sense is mainly about bearing their burden. Some of the chewable bits of that are: allow yourself space, let other people manage their own expectations, don’t make any unnecessary large life decisions, and you don’t have to put on a performance for anyone.

If those negative feelings don’t make sense though, they’re probably going to make sense from a different angle. And if they still don’t make sense after stepping back and breaking them down then the coping might be something like rewriting some negative self talk, or removing ourselves from some dynamics that are bothering us, even if we believe they shouldn’t bother us. One of the big basics in coping is realizing that as humans we can be wrong. Often.

Regardless of whether the negative feelings are warranted or not, find beauty. Actually seek it out. When I am caught in some negative spiral, getting my thoughts to stop is one of the hardest tasks. Looking around without a goal will usually give my brain the opportunity to find more ugliness, or at least things to complain about. Actively searching for beauty around me seems to sidetrack my brain long enough to derail the negativity. There were times when I had to walk a block or 2 before I could see the beauty all around me. It might take some effort but it gets easier with practice.

But, as before, trying to fix an internal problem with external measures won’t fix the problem. It can help get us out of spiraling thoughts but we still have to address the spiraling thoughts. Usually that means we have to change what is behind those thoughts. It’s wonderful if we can get help from a therapist. Some of us need help with medications for chemical imbalances. But while that is happening we still need to cope with the feelings. How we face the world can make a big impact, nearly as much as how we face ourselves. For me that means, self-care and maintenance. I am a huge fan of taking showers when I am upset. Hot water, soap and steam seem to take the edge off of the world and make it a bit brighter. I’ve also made it a rule that unless I am actually sick I get dressed as if I am going to be seen by other people every day. These may seem small but for me, it keeps me from wallowing in my feelings for way too long.

Therapy, hot showers, seeking our beauty, breaking down problems into manageable pieces, giving all of our feelings validity, lending ourselves grace, and spending the time to address the causes of our feelings instead of painting a fake smile over them have been part of my personal magical carpet bag of coping for decades. Skills and items are added as required or learned. There’s never too much help available when help is needed.

The final thing that helps me when the world is bleak, and my feelings match it, is to take care of someone or something. Sharing what we have to give no matter how little it may seem makes it easier to get out of the negative because we are adding to the positive.