“While they have not got their aims, their anxiety is how to get them. When they have got them, their anxiety is lest they should lose them.”
― Confucius, The Complete Confucius

And yet, we all understand that we will have to lose them in the end. –

It’s hard to let go of a bright future that never happened. My mother, left me her dream futures: linocut blocks, brayers, pottery, and trinkets collected over decades. Her mother left her recipes, furniture and photos, along with the hand made pristine doilies and the pewter tea set that remained of my great grandmother’s dreams. And now, all of those are in my care. Since I come from a line of caretakers of the past, I have bits and pieces of my ancestor’s stuff as well. Many items have no provenance. I keep them safe although I have no idea who originally owned them. My mother’s fancy china set, and a full set of serving pieces, for 12 was really the means to her dream of a future full of dinner parties where guests enjoyed fine wine, talked philosophy, culture and art. She never let it go because she still hoped for a future that included that possibility. Once all of her friends had passed away, hanging on to those dishes was her last stand against the sad and difficult acceptance that that future was not to be.

We all make plans for our future. We might spend years collecting the knowledge and the tools for what we envision our life will become. We save the good china for special occasions that we believe will happen in our future: weddings, births, birthdays, and holiday gatherings. We try and save millions for our retirement. And we ignore the part where we might not even make it to retirement. We carefully store our baby blankets to someday warm the next generation. We keep our mother’s cookbooks because there was that one recipe for a Christmas cookie that we loved when we were a kid and we want to make them for our kids. Our own kids grew up before we got around to it, but we still have that cookbook. Or she kept her mother’s cookbooks because they had the recipe for meatloaf that she loved so much and she wanted to make it for her family. In the end though, she never used that recipe for meatloaf because her husband liked meatloaf the way his family made it and the cookbook remained on the shelf.

And so it all sits on shelves and packed away in cupboards, attics and basements. My own home has very little of me in it. There are some things that I have been hauling around the country with me for decades, such as two 10lb (4.5 Kg) quartz points, that I still have because I don’t quite know what best to do with them. Their original purpose has long passed into the abyss of ‘never going to happen’. Unlike many people of my age, I haven’t been afforded a stable life. With no stability it is much more difficult to acquire inordinate amounts of stuff. I live in my rental home, surrounded by my family’s stuff. I am very lucky that my mother had an artist’s eye.There are things that I will continue to move with me. I am lucky though, because I have already had to clear most of my imagined futures away. It’s painful but a less daunting task when you can let them go one at a time.

My mother belonged to the Silent Generation. When she moved in with me, in 2020, she brought with her over 140 boxes and items. She passed away just two and a half months after she arrived. We tried to go through her stuff but it was traumatic for her. Every choice seemed to be as if she was required to choose which of her dreams must die. She wasn’t a hoarder of old newspapers or memories, she was more like a dragon and her hoard was treasure. It didn’t matter if the items weren’t inherently valuable. She was a collector of objets d’art. It’s been difficult breaking apart her collection of rare objects and oddities. Not just because I miss her but also because so many are unique and some are actually quite valuable.

I have seen quite a few people talking about the work their parents left to them. One of the most common questions was ‘Why?. Why did their parents have so much stuff? Why didn’t their parents ever get rid of anything? Why did their parents have boxed cake mix over 10 years past the expiration date? The only answer that I’ve been able to glean out of all this is that all that stuff had a place in their parents’ future. Even the boxed cake mix was going to be made someday. Maybe the cake was going to be for a grandkids’ birthday party, but that party happened elsewhere and the cake mix was still good so it was saved for the future. Maybe they were just hoping to have a reason to make a cake but in 10 years they never found one. That would be a really a sad statement. But what can we do?

We can go buy a new cake mix and make a cake if our parents are still with us. Make sure it’s the same kind as the expired one. We can get our parents to tell us the stories of their stuff while they’re here. We can share our stuff with others every day. Use the fancy china as regular china, unless it’s too fragile of course. I love fancy china but if I have to hand wash it, that’s too much for everyday. I keep some antique china that I’ve found in second hand shops but I use it for things other than food. Give unwanted stuff away early rather than later. Accept that the time for some things has passed and let them go. Understand that the world is abundant and you really can usually get another one. Remember that stuff isn’t sacred. But if, like me, you have something rare, take the time to make it worth keeping. On that note, if anyone knows someone who can do custom plywood steam bending, I have this Liberty House Thebes Stool that needs restoration. It’s one of those family items that I just know can be a treasure and I love a footstool when I am curled up with a good book. That would be a dreamy future for me. Add in a fireplace and a hot cup of tea, or coffee? Yes please. We all have future dreams.