Ever get the feeling that the world is so messed up that being happy is somehow not allowed? I might be the only one out here that struggles with that idea but I’m guessing that I am not alone in this. I have yet to have a problem that isn’t common. I used to feel that my problems were somehow unique. Then I looked past my own nose and Voila! I discovered that the human condition transcends space and time, not to mention maps and cultures.

Happiness is a short term experience. It’s a little firework that fades. It’s that first birdsong of the day. There’s absolutely no reason not to experience it. Pushing it away doesn’t seem to do much good for the soul. I have been feeling happy today. It’s not the ecstatic, must have a party, type of happy. It’s more of a happy that’s located along the road to joy kind of happy. It also seems that happy and gratitude share an address.

The weather has finally cooled enough that I can enjoy a lovely, hot cup of tea with my breakfast. Spooky Punkin’s feathers are almost all in, so I can set them free again soon, even though I will miss them, that’s where they need to be. My Biscuit greets me with a low warbling hello in the morning. I greet her with song and it’s nice to have her company. The teenage pidge is growing before my eyes. I brought them a cookie tin with a tea towel inside. It’s now their favorite place to loaf. They have a name now, Marzipan, or maybe Nimbus. We’ll see what sticks.

My daughters are all grown up. They show me this more often than not. I’m so proud of them. They speak their minds. They are their own people and are not just trying to please the people around them. This also makes me happy. And yet, from an early age, I was raised to believe that being happy was tempting the devil, the universe, or any wilful sprites hanging about, to notice and work to destroy me just because I was happy. Even being happy for a moment and letting it slip out was cause for alarm.

Beyond personal life and feeling the need to knock on wood every day, the world outside of my home works hard to not be a happy place. It’s been that way my entire life. This is not new. It’s not because of the internet. I remember, from when I was in elementary school, the lectures I would receive due to my refusal to enjoy Brussel Sprouts. I still can’t eat them. Yes, I have tried them that way. Even though I cannot taste or smell, they are still unconscionably bitter. But that’s a side issue, I digress. The lecture would always include poor starving children somewhere far away as a large serving of guilt. I was raised Catholic. Guilt and fear were the prime engines for personal change and responsibility throughout my childhood.

In all my read throughs of the Bible. The only personage that seemed to agree with the style of my upbringing would have been Judas Iscariot. This was further enhanced by the local church itself. One of the priests at my parish was the exorcist for the diocese. He was a dour and judgemental man. When he led the mass, even the sulfur and brimstone of heavy Baptist preachers would have faded into a light haze. Whether he meant to or not, his sermons taught that all things that bring happiness, other than kneeling in prayer, were sinful. Just being happy was allowing the devil to tempt you to evil works.

Beyond guilt, there’s an assumption that if we’re happy that means that we approve of, don’t care, or are ignoring all the horrible stuff around us. I’ve come to believe that to be happy is a renouncement of the ugliness in the world. If I choose to hide the happiness in my life for performative angst, I am living dishonestly. By refuting the idea that life is always and everywhere horrible, it allows gratitude to grow. It allows all of us, not just me, to share in abundance rather than lack. There’s been this tension between being grateful, being humble, and being self-deprecating. I’ve been afraid that I’m not being humble enough while I’m trying to be grateful and I end up in self-deprecation by default. It’s still here.

Today though, I’m just letting myself exist. I’m happy for the moment. Inside, I’m cultivating joy. Joy takes us through the dark days, even when it seems happiness has flown away for the winter.