“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.” – Hemingway

When I was bitter, I was hanging onto anger. It was my life raft. My life had shattered and I was hanging onto the only thing I had the power to grasp, my emotions. Bitterness, envy, anger, and hate don’t get their claws into us we have to hold onto them. We have to choose each morning to wake up and claim them. Usually we claim them in our personal version of pain-centered righteousness. Anger makes some of us feel powerful. There’s a deficit of feeling powerful when the world has just tossed us out with the garbage. Anger can be very helpful when we need to stand up after being knocked down, but once we stand up it’s time to let that anger go. Some of us might lean a bit long on it though because we can’t see a way forward.

It’s always someone’s fault. Even though fault is meaningless outside of a court of law. We can berate ourselves for being at fault. We can lash out at those we believe to be at fault. We can scream to the skies and decry the government for the really big things. It doesn’t matter, but it takes a while to realize that fault, or blame, isn’t the way out of the darkness. It might take decades if we let it. But talking about that battle after you’ve fought, it really isn’t easy. Because when we’ve stared into our own darkness, and found ourselves wanting, it’s not the type of thing someone brings up in conversation. It makes everyone uncomfortable.

Releasing all the darkness at once might be possible, but I imagine it would take an overwhelming external transformative experience, like a near-death experience. Most of us have to release things one by one, or at best in small groups. To release one thing, it works a lot like peeling an onion. Start with what’s right in the front, the top layer. Worry about the other layers once they’re visible or exposed. Expect tears. Expect needing breaks, sometimes those breaks are very long and it’s okay. Everything heals in its own time and it’s always the right time.

It’s best to not do all of this alone. Different phases of healing need different medicine. We all need a therapist, a confidant, a friend, and a mentor. They probably won’t all be there at the same time, nor will they be needed at the same time. Appreciate their help and guidance when they do show up. There will be realizations and self-reckonings. Things we’re proud of, and things that leave us sitting uncomfortably with our shame, will show up. To heal and be able to let go of the darkness we have to understand that we are all the same. No one is better and no one is worse than the other. Finding fault is a game of who is better and who is worse. We have to be able to forgive ourselves for our worst offenses before we can forgive the smallest offense in someone else.

This is not a short walk. Parts of it may be easy but there’s mountains and deserts along the way. At different points it feels like an impossible burden. At others, we can look back and see how far we’ve come. This journey started the day we were born, it will continue whether we want to participate or not. Releasing the darkness lightens the load allowing us to travel faster. When we can see beyond our pain, it can bring joy in those moments when we see our progress. We don’t need to hang onto our past chapters, they are part of who we are today. Wake up in the morning, and say thank you for the chance to create a new and better day and leave the past in the past.