“So the fairy silver brought you a monster of fire for a husband, and me a monster of ice. We should put them in a room together and let them make us both widows.”
― Naomi Novik, Spinning Silver

“But for a woman, marriage is surrender. Marriage is when a girl gives up the fight, walks off the battlefield and from then on leaves the truly interesting and significant action to her husband, who has bargained to ‘take care’ of her. What a sad bum deal” – Tom Robbins, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues

The character of a woman is rarely seen in public while she is married. We judge her by the character of her husband, if we recognize her existence at all. But once she becomes a widow she is abruptly dumped into the arena of public opinion. A widow is usually granted few options in how to move on with her life. If she attempts to continue walking the path her husband walked she risks being seen as a runner-up at best and an imposter at worst. She can retire from public life for a year and a day wearing her widow’s weeds. She can work in the public eye to create charities or be active in helping those that suffer similar fates to either her or her husband. She can bring awareness and possibly pursue legislation seeking justice. But those choices are roles, not personal goals. Her choice of role can make or break assumptions about her character.

We judge her on how she speaks, how she grieves, and whether the tears in her eyes look real. We comment on her response to her situation with the attention to detail of an Olympic judge. The criteria are varied, ever-changing, and undefined. We don’t establish her base-line. We didn’t know her before her marriage. We rarely take into account the character of her now-deceased husband. Was he overbearing? Was he abusive? Was he the saintliest husband of the century? Did he do all the cooking? We have absolutely no idea but we’ll be glad to chime in at anytime. The scorecard today focuses on her self-care and fashion choices. Is she wearing the proper colors? Too much jewelry? Too little jewelry? Is gold or silver more appropriate for mourning? Tomorrow the focus might be on how well she’s taking care of her children. There are no winning options once the lights of public interest begin to shine on her new life.The Victorians had mourning rules defined but we have not defined what’s proper ourselves. We just have feelings about what’s right or wrong and we judge her character based on the shoes she’s wearing while she watches the casket lowered into the grave.

Many times we judge the widow by the company she kept. We judge her based on the choices her husband made, or the choices that they made as a couple. We will toss in a few judgements for consideration about her choices on whether to stay married to the deceased. We don’t take into consideration the understood notion that the people we spend the most time around have the strongest effect on our views and behaviors. Did her husband like to argue? He probably argued at home as well. People who enjoy argument or debate don’t discriminate between work and pleasure and most likely argue over anything. Even someone who didn’t spend a life arguing will learn to expect a fight over the smallest things after years of living with someone who argues. The widow of someone like this will be defensive and angry to outsiders observing her responses. Some of us might think it’s who they always were, others might think it’s just a product of the grief; most of us just can’t tell.

When I saw this prompt asking – Am I a good judge of character? – it made me think about how complicated it is to judge the character of people I don’t know. I make snap judgements just like everyone else because that’s what we do as humans. It’s the most efficient way to assess threats. It’s difficult to judge someone’s character correctly within a few moments of meeting them. Judging people from afar, through the filter of what someone else chooses to show us, is even more difficult. Maybe other people are better at judging character but I have been mistaken too many times to think I know the soul behind the smile. I have known people for ten years only to realize that I never knew them at all. I have also met people I trusted within minutes, who now more than 17 years later, are exactly who they appear to be.

Who the young woman was before life made her a widow can not be seen from today. It can only be found in the footprints she left behind along the way. To know her character you would have had to walk beside her the entire distance. What we see today is the summation not the journey, or the choices she made along the way. Is that her character? Or is that the world’s work?